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7/18/04 07:08 pm - speak_no_write

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

7/17/04 08:38 am - speak_no_write - another joke


Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA ha ha ehhh.... i love jokes

7/17/04 08:24 am - speak_no_write - Joke for today.

You guys need a joke... every day... or whenever...
And now for todays JOKE OF THE DAY!!!!!!


A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes.
In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Post any good jokes you know too!!!

3/29/05 01:10 pm - lemonseed821

So, I just bought a cell phone since somebody stole my old one. Does anyone know anything about tracfones?? I had like 120 minutes left on my other phone before it got stolen. Is there anyway you can transfer those minutes to my new phone?? hmmm ok

3/22/05 02:05 pm - lemonseed821 - wow

I actually went to every single class in school today. It was quite exhausting... not to mention I have a shitload of makeup work to do. Damnit, Kelly. Why must you corrupt me into doing such bad things?! haha.

3/21/05 09:49 pm - dark_fucker

Alright newcommers, remember to post. Once again, thanks for joining. And have some fun!!! Alright, Im out - Later, -Kel

3/21/05 08:35 pm - lemonseed821 - lala

Steven and I hung out today and smoked. Then we rented movies and couldn't watch them because he was too lazy to get his dvd player. :( We had a little 10 minute nap and then I left. We decided to become Christians and only date the opposite sex and don't do drugs. (winwink) Then we smoked some more. I think he was just joking around.... I hope. Haha.

3/21/05 09:37 pm - dark_fucker - alright\\\\\\\\\whoops

Hey all, I am so gald to see that people are interested in our little shindig thingy I must warn you, I am drunk. LOl. And laughing outloud, instead of my head. Anyway, man, im drunk. welcome, adn please make yourselves at home. your food is my food and ill eat your dog.

3/21/05 10:31 am - dark_fucker

This community needs a good design. If there are any good ideas, floating around Let me know. I will be working on it today, and if anyone ever has good idea, let me know. lATER -Kel

3/19/05 09:06 am - dark_fucker - The New Commune

Hello to anyone who actually decides they want to stop wasting their time with posting in their own journals and having no one respond. Because in this place if you don't respond, you don't stay. Thats the only rule. Have fun with it, be happy, be depressed, be pissed of, be annoying, doesn't matter because we actually care what you have to say. If you need someone to take all your anger out on this is a perfect place. By the way - Im really ticked off because I have to go to work in an hour and I have been up since 0500a. Not only that but I will be working till 0400p and I could be doing so many other, better things. LIIIKE, playing Samurai Warriors or Start Craft. In the words of Lemonseed821 "Lator Gators.."
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